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4 for Now
Recently, I attended an online discussion about love and politics. (Billed as a debate, everyone seemed to be pretty much of the same mind. Good discussion, though.) Can they work together? How do we make it happen? Here’s a hot take for you: maybe it’s already there.
To even begin to wrap your mind around this take, you must accept the fact that everyone defines love differently. (By the way, not all definitions are actually love and that’s part of the issue.)
Some of us grew up with one or more parents who were home for us when we got home from school, who spent time with us, who provided safe, stable homes. I’m willing to bet these same folks have a more caring view of what love is. (Granted, there are a lot of factors that go into a person’s definition, whether or not they realize it. For the sake of keeping this under four minutes, I’m simplifying.)
For some folks, their parents may not have been around much, or at all. They had to learn to be self-sufficient, or they learned love was presents instead of presence.
bell hooks once wrote, “Too many of us need to cling to a notion of love that either makes abuse acceptable or at least makes it seem that whatever happened was not that bad … Most psychologically and/or physically abused children have been taught by parenting adults that love can coexist with abuse. And in extreme cases that abuse is an expression of love.”
When people act out of love but with different definitions for it, we get different results.
Folks who grew up being cared for are more likely to show love by caring for others. In politicians, this could look like support for policies such as Medicare for All, the Green New Deal, and COVID relief for individuals.
Folks who grew up otherwise may have a more material view: the more you have, the more someone loves you. This could look like supporting policies such as restricting immigration (fewer competitors for jobs and benefits), banning abortion (family first, creating loyalty and legacy), and COVID relief for corporations (who can give something back to the politicians).
We can’t just tell politicians they’re defining love wrong and expect them to change. Most people, when you challenge their beliefs, are going to rail against you. They’ll cling harder to their beliefs, because our beliefs shape us. If our beliefs are wrong, who are we?
So what can we do?
I don’t know if there’s a definitive answer, but bell offers this advice: “In order to change the lovelessness in my primary relationships, I had to first learn anew the meaning of love and from there learn how to be loving. Embracing a definition of love that was clear was the first step in the process … Definitions are vital starting points for the imagination. What we cannot imagine cannot come into being.”
4 for Later
- WeDeepen: Politics & Love (2-hour 7-minute video)
- All About Love: New Visions by bell hooks (book, on Amazon or use IndieBound to find an independent bookstore that carries it)
- We Are Defining Love the Wrong Way by Rabbi David Wolpe (4-minute read)
- Join the party of love by Max Harris (22-minute read)